I pushed myself abruptly out of my dining chair, not a single member of my family looked up. They did not ask me what the abruptness was about, did not ask me where I was going, or why I left my mashed potatoes lying untouched on my plate. They continued laughing in their oh-so-carefree way, and talked about happy, bubbly things. I did not understand how they could be so happy while the world was such a sad place.
I began to slowly make my way to my room, each step being more of a struggle than the last. As I walked up the stairs, I look at all of our family pictures plastered across the wall. I see a smiling girl, laughing and full of life. I almost didn't recognize her, “what happened to me” I whispered to myself quietly. I started to think about the times when I was truly and genuinely happy, I don’t remember feeling that way for such a long time. As I lifted my foot on the last step, I tripped, landing on my hands. I sat there for a moment as tears rolled down my cheek. I got up and walked into my room and closed the door. From that moment when the door latched and I heard the comforting click from the lock, I completely broke down. With my back to the door, I slowly slid down and sat with my knees to my chest as tears were streaming uncontrollably down my face. After so many fake smiles, happy faces and pretending for so long to be strong, I began to sob. I didn't know how to feel anymore, I cried, trying to gasp breaths in between. I completely collapsed to my floor, and I just lied there, numb. My mind was racing, never had I been so sad, never had I felt so alone and betrayed. I tried to let my mind wander, but my thoughts kept bringing me back to the night of Amy Walker’s party. I was trembling as I remembered everything that has happened, it felt like I was back there in the moment. Just the thought of it made me start to cry. My eyelids began to feel so heavy, as each blink became longer and farther apart. I could slowly feel myself drifting off as I muttered under my breath, “why me.”
In my dream, I was back at Amy’s party, reliving what had happened. I was sitting pool-side with my feet dangling in the water with my best friend Melanie as we laughed and sipped from our red solo cups. The music was loud but sounded faded from outside. Upon the masses of people, dancing and chaos, it felt serene, almost peaceful. I lied back and listened carefully, I could hear the faint chirps and croaks from the crickets and frogs from the woods behind Amy’s house. Melanie looked over at me lying down, and did the same; we both lied there in comfortable silence as we watched the stars. But we both sat up with a jolt as Andrew Barkman, the star quarterback on the football team, splashed us as he jumped in the pool. I could see his distorted outline under the water as he swam towards us. His head popped up from the rippled surface, splashing us once more. He took a deep breath in, put his hand on my leg and shot me a charming smile as he said, “hey Emily”
I jolted awake. My tear streaked cheeks shone in the light peering in through my window. A light breeze crept its way through the small crack that my window was open, daring my curtains sway and dance delicately. A gust of wind blew through the window, forcing the papers from my bedside table to scatter across my floor. Gazing sleepily downwards, I got up and opened my curtains, and slid my window into the closed position. As I knelt down to pick up my fallen papers, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror that hung behind my door in my closet. I slowly stood up and turned towards it. I unzipped my baggy grey sweater and threw it to the ground, not breaking eye contact with my reflection. Scared to look at the rest of my body, I took a moment of courage and broke my gaze. Even while wearing a tank top and shorts, I could still see the scars that littered my body. I turned my left forearm out but quickly covered it up with my right hand when I saw the dark scarred lines that consumed my wrist. While standing and staring at my disappointing reflection, I think about what had caused me all this pain. One night had the strength to completely destroy me. My mind once again drifts back to Amy’s party. I remember how he splashed me flirtingly, how we talked for hours, how was making me drink so much, how to took me into to the woods, how aggressive he was being.. I cringed, I didn't want to remember that night, but my mind trailed on: how touched me, how I begged for him to stop. I shuddered and I couldn't breathe, I was shaking and my vision was blurred by tears that made everything seem to swim, as if I was in some crazy, hopeless, desperate dream. I felt empty, I had lost all my purity and innocence that night. My legs weakened and threatened to give way. I looked at my reflection for one last time; I brushed a strand of hair away from my face. I watched my lips move as I choked out, “I don’t want to live anymore.” As the words escaped my mouth, everything seemed so unclear. I paced my room back and forth for a solid ten minutes, contemplating whether or not taking my life would be worth it.
“Nobody wants me,” I thought, “no one will care. They’d be better off without me.”
I had made up my mind, I was going to do it, I took a deep breath and opened my door and peered into the hallway and made a dash to the bathroom. I was nervous, scared and shaking as I opened the medicine cabinet. In attempt to grab my older brother’s prescription pain killers knocked nearly everything out of the cabinet and all over the floor. I poured a handful of the little white pills in my hand and popped them in my mouth with little to no hesitation. After quite a few stressful and nerve-racking minutes, I started to get dizzy, I fell to my knees, I could feel myself slowly slipping away. I started to panic, “What have I done!” I didn’t want to die, I wasn’t ready. I tried to scream or call out, or try to make a noise of some kind, but it was too late. My vision started to fade as fell completely to the ground; I took my final breath as I closed my eyes and slowly slipped away into complete and udder darkness.
I began to slowly make my way to my room, each step being more of a struggle than the last. As I walked up the stairs, I look at all of our family pictures plastered across the wall. I see a smiling girl, laughing and full of life. I almost didn't recognize her, “what happened to me” I whispered to myself quietly. I started to think about the times when I was truly and genuinely happy, I don’t remember feeling that way for such a long time. As I lifted my foot on the last step, I tripped, landing on my hands. I sat there for a moment as tears rolled down my cheek. I got up and walked into my room and closed the door. From that moment when the door latched and I heard the comforting click from the lock, I completely broke down. With my back to the door, I slowly slid down and sat with my knees to my chest as tears were streaming uncontrollably down my face. After so many fake smiles, happy faces and pretending for so long to be strong, I began to sob. I didn't know how to feel anymore, I cried, trying to gasp breaths in between. I completely collapsed to my floor, and I just lied there, numb. My mind was racing, never had I been so sad, never had I felt so alone and betrayed. I tried to let my mind wander, but my thoughts kept bringing me back to the night of Amy Walker’s party. I was trembling as I remembered everything that has happened, it felt like I was back there in the moment. Just the thought of it made me start to cry. My eyelids began to feel so heavy, as each blink became longer and farther apart. I could slowly feel myself drifting off as I muttered under my breath, “why me.”
In my dream, I was back at Amy’s party, reliving what had happened. I was sitting pool-side with my feet dangling in the water with my best friend Melanie as we laughed and sipped from our red solo cups. The music was loud but sounded faded from outside. Upon the masses of people, dancing and chaos, it felt serene, almost peaceful. I lied back and listened carefully, I could hear the faint chirps and croaks from the crickets and frogs from the woods behind Amy’s house. Melanie looked over at me lying down, and did the same; we both lied there in comfortable silence as we watched the stars. But we both sat up with a jolt as Andrew Barkman, the star quarterback on the football team, splashed us as he jumped in the pool. I could see his distorted outline under the water as he swam towards us. His head popped up from the rippled surface, splashing us once more. He took a deep breath in, put his hand on my leg and shot me a charming smile as he said, “hey Emily”
I jolted awake. My tear streaked cheeks shone in the light peering in through my window. A light breeze crept its way through the small crack that my window was open, daring my curtains sway and dance delicately. A gust of wind blew through the window, forcing the papers from my bedside table to scatter across my floor. Gazing sleepily downwards, I got up and opened my curtains, and slid my window into the closed position. As I knelt down to pick up my fallen papers, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror that hung behind my door in my closet. I slowly stood up and turned towards it. I unzipped my baggy grey sweater and threw it to the ground, not breaking eye contact with my reflection. Scared to look at the rest of my body, I took a moment of courage and broke my gaze. Even while wearing a tank top and shorts, I could still see the scars that littered my body. I turned my left forearm out but quickly covered it up with my right hand when I saw the dark scarred lines that consumed my wrist. While standing and staring at my disappointing reflection, I think about what had caused me all this pain. One night had the strength to completely destroy me. My mind once again drifts back to Amy’s party. I remember how he splashed me flirtingly, how we talked for hours, how was making me drink so much, how to took me into to the woods, how aggressive he was being.. I cringed, I didn't want to remember that night, but my mind trailed on: how touched me, how I begged for him to stop. I shuddered and I couldn't breathe, I was shaking and my vision was blurred by tears that made everything seem to swim, as if I was in some crazy, hopeless, desperate dream. I felt empty, I had lost all my purity and innocence that night. My legs weakened and threatened to give way. I looked at my reflection for one last time; I brushed a strand of hair away from my face. I watched my lips move as I choked out, “I don’t want to live anymore.” As the words escaped my mouth, everything seemed so unclear. I paced my room back and forth for a solid ten minutes, contemplating whether or not taking my life would be worth it.
“Nobody wants me,” I thought, “no one will care. They’d be better off without me.”
I had made up my mind, I was going to do it, I took a deep breath and opened my door and peered into the hallway and made a dash to the bathroom. I was nervous, scared and shaking as I opened the medicine cabinet. In attempt to grab my older brother’s prescription pain killers knocked nearly everything out of the cabinet and all over the floor. I poured a handful of the little white pills in my hand and popped them in my mouth with little to no hesitation. After quite a few stressful and nerve-racking minutes, I started to get dizzy, I fell to my knees, I could feel myself slowly slipping away. I started to panic, “What have I done!” I didn’t want to die, I wasn’t ready. I tried to scream or call out, or try to make a noise of some kind, but it was too late. My vision started to fade as fell completely to the ground; I took my final breath as I closed my eyes and slowly slipped away into complete and udder darkness.